Canada Day Rant

"Canada Day" was commemorated on the weekend. I put that in quotes because the national holiday used to be called "Dominion Day." Apparently 'Dominion' was too strong a word for the tender ears of our kinder, gentler era and the wise folks in charge of these things toned it down. Dominion, domination, sounds a little bit cheeky to me, like something Hillary and Bill might like to do in the privacy of the white house with the cameras rolling. Grokked at in that light, it might deserve a second look as a name for our holiday. Goes with the drag queen parades, don't you know, whips, leathers, tatooed goth babes leading muscular she males around on leashes, that sort of thing. Think of all the possibilities for innuendo and veiled references to the evils we face in the modern world, like the deprivation of poor Saddam of his job, the joos who everybody knows are responsible for the melting glaciers, avian flu, the obesity of our youth, and leave us not forget the Great Satan aka the United States of America and GWB, its evil mastermind.
By whatever name, Canada Day was a gala affair. After the lavish fireworks display that lasted at least ten minutes, our local youths, by now filled with liquid courage and eager to lay to rest the myth of the well-behaved Canadian showed their affection for the Dominion by throwing as much garbage on it as they were able to bring to the party.
Perhaps the real reason it was changed from Dominion Day to Canada Day was because the old designation was too truthful to be allowed. Because Canada isn't a real country. It's a patchwork of discontinuous jurisdictions with very little in common with each other spread across the part of the continent directly north of the USA. It's essentially the empire of Upper Canada, Upper Canada being that area on the left bank of the Great Lakes that was mainly settled by refugees from the English colonials to the south who didn't want the responsibilities that come with freedom. Ontario, I mean. They much preferred the system of patronage and dependancy that came with sucking up to the crown. That was the era when the predominant economic theory was mercantilism. In that system the goal is captive markets. You get captive markets by having an empire where you don't give the colonials any choice in which companies to deal with. This way you can charge whatever you want and don't have to worry much about customer satisfaction. Originally that meant The Hudson's Bay Company owned Canada. Steady profits for the well-connected. Have you heard of the Highland Clearances? That was what happened in Scotland when the landowning class discovered that sheep were more profitable than tenants. This meant that The Hudsons Bay had a big pool of labourers to draw who had little choice but to accept employment in the godforsaken Canadian Canadian wilderness where they would be surrounded by howling savages. So the Canadian hinterland was administered by employees of a corporation, unlike the American free for all.
We prefer to forget about these inconvenient memories (unless there is profit to be gained by the legal profession as in the residential school scam) they are so untidy.
Unfortunately for Canada, all the romance of our history took place in those days. The stories of the missionaries and the fur traders are amazing. But if CBC suddenly decided to embrace that history in a TV series it would surely find some way to make it dull and boring. It would probably spend so much on commitee meetings trying to twist it around to conform with politically correct ideology there wouldn't be any money left over to actually film anything.
Ahh, the CBC. Over the years I gradually (being a little slow on the uptake) came to the realization that, according to the CBC, since I am from Alberta I'm not really Canadian. Alberta is a region, you see, and not part of the civilized world. Albertans are primitive, ignorant tobacco chewing yokels who should just shut up and leave the running of the country to their betters...who run the CBC. Now, as long as Albertans were mere dirt farmers and cowboys they were at least quaint and picturesque and tolerable, but now that Alberta is the richest province in Canada Ontarians are livid. Why, we even had the temerity to vote into parliament a political party headquartered in Calgary. You should have heard the howls of outrage. I did, and I haven't forgotten.
When I was a boy we were taught to be proud of our past. Today the only time we are urged to even remember it is to show how evil and oppressive we white males were. But how can you be proud of your country when you are taught to despise your history as we are taught now? Why would anyone want to fight for such a country? Obviously, the socialists and liberals don't think it's worth fighting for. Armies, ugh...they're so imperialistic.
Here in the west it is our duty to shut our mouths and just hand over our money because at the other end of the country Upper Canada has a different strategy: bribe them to stay in the country. And in order to bribe the maritimers they need our money. And let's not mention that before Nova Scotia joined Canada it was one of the most prosperous countries in the world. Now it's a welfare state and if you want to get a vote in Nova Scotia you'd better not say anything against 'equalization payments.'
This is pretty well the same policy Upper Canada has to entice those inconvenient Frenchies who plug things up in what used to be called Lower Canada. Appeasement? It's the Canadian way. So it's not too surprising when a few dozen Indians setting up a blockade on a railway track can shut the country down. Who in his right mind would want to admit to being a citizen of such a dumb country? Quebec, whenever it wants us to cough up more cash threatens to separate. I've got news for Quebec. I wouldn't miss you. The only condition I would impose is that you take Ottawa with you. As for the Indians- excusez moi, First Nations- who claim the whole country and expect the rest of us to be their slaves, my idea is they can have the rest of Ontario.
Well, for some reason I still prefer living in Canada to anyplace else. Edmonton is still my hometown and I'm still very fond of the place. But I now feel my home is the whole west coast and have often wished the border was somewhere east of Alberta instead of inconveniently located between BC and Washington. And I care more about what happens in Seattle and San Francisco than in Toronto or Montreal. It would be really nice if I could vote against Patti Murray or Nancy Pelosi. Let's face it. The USA is where the action is and I would rather vote against them than Jean Chretien who I despise every bit as much as these American nitwits. But Jean Chretien is a nobody. The American Republic is the engine of the world's economy, the fount of innovation, and the only country in the world where the contribution of the average citizen is valued. The US has a cutural life beyond anything that Canada has and the culture kampfs really matter. The destiny of the world is now in American hands, for better or worse. Canada is a backwater, deliberately made that way by the mediocrats who run the country. They think small. They quiver and wring their hands. Since they don't matter, since nothing they do has any consequences they can stand on the sidelines and be sanctimonious.
I wish I had more to offer on this Canada Day week than just a meandering complaint. But just to show I'm an equal opportunity complainer I would like to mention that I'm not too crazy about Washington DC either, and I've never liked Texans. As a matter of fact, I'm in one crabby mood today.